its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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