conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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