My sheets look like a crime scene.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
