I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i've created a new STD.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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