We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
