remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
