Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
