you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
