I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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