This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
