Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
