I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
