he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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