So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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