I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
