Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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