This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
