maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
zippers are such a cool invention
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
