Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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