"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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