a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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