so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
