the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
