There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
