my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
