Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
