I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
