True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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