Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize