Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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