My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
