Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
