Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
