Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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