So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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