im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
