Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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