Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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