If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
