I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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