Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
