remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The best revenge is premature balding
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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