Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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