So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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