ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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