Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
