It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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