i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
