My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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