god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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