ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
