I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
