No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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