I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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