i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
