someone threw a dead crab at me
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize