i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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