I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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