Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka