When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.