This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
