She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
